Gratitude-Day 18

Duhkheshwanudwignamanaah sukheshu vigatasprihah;
Veetaraagabhayakrodhah sthitadheer munir uchyate.

He whose mind is not shaken by adversity, who does not hanker after pleasures, and who is free from attachment, fear and anger, is called a sage of steady wisdom. 2.56 The Bhagavad Gita by Swami Sivananda

This is a tough one that I am still learning, one that teaches me to let go and maintain equanimity in all situations. There has been instances in my life where I was challenged and life has shown me some deep rooted attachments that took the form of anger and fear within me. Every time when pride in my practice creeps up, the universe just pulls the rug from under me and makes me realize how far I have to go.

The first time was when my daughter was born premature at 29 weeks weighing 1 pound and 12 oz. She was a peanut the size of my husband’s palm, who stayed in the NICU for 2.5 months. I was angry at the universe for putting her through some really tough times as a baby. Each time she was pricked with a needle and blood was drawn I felt like my heart was being ripped apart. I was barely embracing motherhood and my identification with her was so strong that perhaps I suffered more than she did. I was so enraged and I blamed the universe for my daughter’s misfortune. I had done everything in my capacity to have a healthy pregnancy and how could this happen to me? That was my thinking. My daughter is a healthy 18 year old now and in hindsight I was beating myself up for no reason at all!At the time, due to my strong identification and attachment, my world fell apart and I had health issues postpartum due to stress as a result.

The second time an adversity touched me was during the pandemic. It was when I took a phone call in the early hours of the morning, to hear the death of one of my husband’s best friends due to sudden cardiac arrest. Oh the fear that kept me up at nights over the next couple of months is unthinkable. I felt like I was going crazy with terror hounding me morn and eve. It was the deepest fear of my own mortality and that of my loved ones. There are so many similarities between the two experiences.

My personal practice over the years had brought about a slight change between the two experiences which was 15 years apart. I would call it a very teeny shift but a change nevertheless in the right direction. The second time round, I was able to recognize my attachments sooner than the the first time. I also learnt to surrender to the universe the second time round. I did have my teachers and community to lean on by then. Being the man or woman of steady wisdom is still lifetimes away but I am so grateful for the lessons along this journey. Gratitude!

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Sorry for this delayed post on the 18th. I had a long day starting with an amazing community workshop on the roots of yoga, followed by the most beautiful ritual called Ayyappa pooja at a friend’s. Ayyappa Pooja is a beautiful Bhakti yoga practice with chanting mantras and singing bhajans. Mandala season has begun and it will be an amazing month of devotional yogic rituals. Looking forward to it. Gratitude!